Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in clutch's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
6:07 pm	what I want I want kids. I want no alcohol in the house. I want the bed to be made by the last person out every morning. I want a house. I want a matching bedset. I want a newer phone. I want a room painted blue. I want the toliet seat to be wiped off. I want him the pick up after himself. I want him to know what he wants. I want to be wanted. I want to feel passion again. I want to be passionate. I want to be happy every morning. I want him to take a shower every day. I want him to take some pride and care in his apperance. I want to be more active. I want to be in utah. I want to have more friends. I want a better paying job. I want to be in school. I want to be less angry. I want to be attractive. I want him to be attracted to me. I want to feel butterflies. I want to fly. I want to go somewhere exotic. I want to go back. I want him.... but I want him too. I want to be desired. I want to feel pretty. I want to be protected. I want security. I want to be home. I want to trust. I want to be able to not have to question him. I want real love. True love. One I never have to question Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
9:14 pm	revelations It's surprising what one small thing can do. How it opens your eyes. Makes you more cautious, possibly and more likely, more suspicious. We use one bank account. It has just my husbands name, only for the reason that we just havebt bothered to add mine. As I was checking the account online I noticed that there was a deposit made yesterday for an odd amount, into the savings (that we have never used). Now I have to wonder... Or be suspicious... I didn't transfer any money over. It was a deposit. The only person that can make a deposit is hubby. He says he didn't. So than from where. I want to believe him NO I do. I do I do. If he says he didn't, than he didn't. You ask why I'm getting paranoid ove r just a couple hundred? Heard of the term "mad money"? Unfortunately I taught it to him. And I wouldn't be that paranoid if it wasn't for the fact that this is my 3rd time coming back after we have split up.... Eh I'm probably just freaking out over a simple mistake. We'll see. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 3rd, 2009
10:53 pm	where's my drive thru! I'm trapped in a loveless marriage. Well actually not. More or less passionless. And not really trapped eithier. But passionless none-the-less. I once wrote a blog. Crowning glory of all my blog days. Many people read it, and it meant something just a little different to everyone. It was called drive through love. It was written with passion about passion. How I missed it. Oh I miss it now. An ex read it. Thought it was just about sex. He missed the memo. We seem to find the most passion that firat moment with someone. That moment when all u want to do is tear the clothes off and feel that rush, that excitement. It was never about the sex, but the feeling that urge, that need to have what you want and to have it now!!... Whew... Breathe... Ok..., now that I've calmed down... I always thought I would have that. Thought I had found it, that through all the long says of my wonderful new marriage, that the passion, that urge, the drive, the need and want to be near him and with him, and him for me...I thought it would stay. Or atleast last longer than 6 months. I am now just passing 2 years. On average, sex happens anywhere between 2-3 weeks. There is never that moment of urgency. I havent heard desire in his voice for a good 23 months now. So maybe he just needs some "motivation" you say. Nah, I've tried. Lingere, costumes, bribes, role playing, books, toys... And every time he rejects me.... heart breaking. What's wrong with me!!! So I throw this out there and maybe one day I might find an answer.... how long can someone go without passion before withering up and dying? (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 7th, 2008
1:56 pm	1400 miles away So I got sent to jail.  Great experience...let  me tell you.  I was freezing cold, and walking around without a bra for nearly 20 hours!  I was scared, and it took the police nearly 5 hours to process me after my $1000 bail was paid in cash by my mom who flew out here that morning.  All of this happened over a scratch.  Ricky had a scratch on his back.  He was filing a report, I came home, and they arrested me. Next day, I went to my apartment, got my things, and left.  But now I've been talking to Ricky.  He's told me that he didn't want to press charges.  That he didn't want me to go.  He was just trying to file a report.  But that I did something and they took me and booked me anyway.  He says that he's going to (but hasn't yet, it's been almost 3 weeks) call the police department and have the charges dropped.  It could cost me $1000 fine, or 4 years in jail. We've hired an attorney, so if ricky doesn't do it, than hopefully the attorney can.  To me, a lot of shit has happened.  But I believe him.  I still trust him and love him.  I still want to have kids with him, grow old with him, wake up every morning and have him there next to me.  I still want him in my life and me in his. I just simply don't feel that divorce is the next step.  I don't feel that is where we are headed.  I don't feel that is what we need.  I love him, and I believe him.  I'm here in Utah.  I want to go back to him.  But I know that I can't.  There is no money, and we would be in even worse ruin if I went back now.  So I'm hoping to get a really high paying job, and hopefully within 6 months (or that's the minimum that I'm going to be staying here), we'll be able to pay off a lot of debts, and get a little bit of a downpayment for a home, or save something up for a rainy day.   We're still talking every day.  Lots of phone calls and texts.  even a few first for me, some for him, and some for the both of us.  I think that this break will help us in the long run.  I really do.  He's done the whole long distance relationships several times, and he says he'll tire of it, adn that  he's so sick of it already.  He doesn't want to do a long distance relationship.  He's married, he doesn't want to.  But he's putting up an effort, and he's going to try.  We both love each other, and we want kids, and to grow old with each other.   So here's to trying, here's to effort, and here's to loving each other.   Through thick paint and thin paint. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Friday, September 14th, 2007
9:04 am	My JOB??!  Note to all the men who migrate in and out of offices: asking the receptionist if “she just sits there and looks pretty” is NOT an acceptable form of small talk.  Ever.  Receptionists are not necessarily stupid.  The receptionist writing this probably has a higher I.Q. then you and your girlfriend combined.  No one is stupid enough to take “is your job just to look pretty” as a compliment, and it’s not her fault if you’re stupid enough to think it is. Don’t take your passive aggressive bitterness over your poor career choice out on the receptionist.  And remember- her capacity to take shit is directly correlated with her rate of pay, so you may want to be aware of her hourly wage before dishing yet another steaming load of bullshit onto her desk.  If not, watch your back.  You might get a glass dish of candy launched at your skull when you turn to slink away.  -written by a close friend, also a receptionist... Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Friday, September 7th, 2007
9:34 am	My Passion is not my Pen I want to write.  I want to let my passion for it out.  I want my pen to just scream the words that are stuck inside.  I want to let it all out.  To bleed my life onto paper.  To let my story, my emotions, ooze onto paper and make you writher.    But can I?  No.  Something is stopping me.  Blocking me.  Preventing me from expressions.  From passion.  From what I long to be.  From what I long to do.    When I write, I don't want you to see words, or ink.  I want you to see me.  See my heart.  My passion.  I want you to feel what I have inside.  To feel what I'm capable of, the possibilities.  I want you to look at my writing, and see me for what I really am.  For who I am.    But my words deceive.  For the pen can never tell what truly lurks inside.  It tells of my head, but not of my heart.  The heart is a delicate matter.  And no pen can truly describe what really lies within.   The pen is fallible.  Subject to Error.  Scribbles on a page.  I want to write.  I want to let my passion for it out.  But my passion is my heart, and the pen con only deceive. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 4th, 2007
9:32 am	It's happening again Yes, that’s right.   It’s happening again.   I’ve told myself and I’ve told my friends that I wouldn’t put up with it a second time. Actually, to be more correct, it’s more like the fourth or fifth time….   He’s mad at me again. Says he doesn’t trust me anymore. He’s making accusations of cheating and lying. He’s doing it again. Just when I thought that everything was finally settling into place, getting comfortable, and actually starting our life.    So should I end it? Or keep going? Stick it out…see what happens. Should I give up on love? End this charade, join the coast guard, move away, start my own life, completely and utterly alone? Or continue with the pain, the tears, and the struggle of holding onto a man who can’t stay settled, who wants to be single, party, stay out late, get drunk, and waste all his money?   Will I ever be able to make him happy? Cause I can see the way he thinks. He’s even told me, he thinks this was a mistake. Yeah he said it while he was drunk, but drunk brings out the honesty. He pitied me. That was the only reason he dated me. Than why did he marry me? Pity too? What is it now? What doesn’t he leave if he’s so unhappy?    He asked for a divorce again this weekend. Told me he kissed some other girl. That he had hooked up with some other girl, and that he had a ride home. I’m a cunt. A FAT whore. He made sure to emphasize the FAT in it. Told me that I was boring, that I didn’t know anything sexually. I was pathetic, and a loser.    That night, I sat there in my bed (I wasn’t about to sleep with him, so I made him go sleep in the other room) thinking. Thinking that he wants a divorce, that I’m a FAT cunt whore. I decided that I was going to wait till morning. Talk to him. Or attempt to. If he says he wants it, than fine, I’ll start the paper work, and I’m joining the Coast Guard. If he doesn’t want one, than we’ll go from there.   He comes crawling into bed in the morning, hugging me, trying to cuddle. I’m being all cold, or trying to be. Than I tell him that he really hurt me. Come to find out, he doesn’t remember last night…..   So we continue on our day, I kinda explained to him what he said and did to me. He apologizes. Once or twice but nothing major. No making up for the name calling or the cheating. Nothing. Just an apology. Than he forgets it, and starts getting mad at me.    Well that was Friday. Now Tuesday morning, I drop him off at work. I come to work and start emailing him, just to find out that he’s mad again, attacking me, and thinks that I’m cheating, I’m a liar, I’ve hurt him and he can’t trust me.   Should I stick it out? Continue this? Try to hold on?    Or tell him he’s right? That he can do what he wants. Join the Coast Guard and move away?   I love him, and I don’t want to do this again, I don’t want to lose him.   Current Mood: confused Current Music: x96 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 29th, 2007
12:56 pm	So this is where I ended up. I love him.  I do.   But that's what I always say.   And yet it seems, the only thing I get in response, is someone who makes fun of me, for the things I talk about, calling me annoying, telling me I'm an asshole, that I've ruined his day, that he was having a good day till I picked him up.   Than he sits there and yells at me, asks me why I'm crying, why I'm upset.  I wonder why.  My husband, the man that is supposed to love me unconditionally thinks I'm an annoying asshole.  I’m just some one that he makes fun of.  Surprisingly, I'd still say that things have gotten better than what they were.   Hey at least now I'm living with him again.  (Like I should take that to be some sort of privilege or something.)  I am trying.  I finally have a job.  So at least now we won't have to worry bout money like we.  I'm getting all our bills and the collectors taken care of.  So, maybe now he'll think that I'm responsible. Or something.   We have our good days, our really great days, and mediocre days, than the just plain terrible ones.  More good than bad though.  Mostly it's us, sitting around, watching movies, and playing the play station, cuddling, making dinner, and going to bed.  But on the bad days, it's pretty much the same, except we don't really speak to each other.  And it's not just minorly bad, or small things that make the day bad.   It's a huge fight, where we are pissed off for the whole day and than some.  Name-calling.  I'll admit, I've done it too, but lately, I've tried to refrain from it cause it is hurtful, and than after something is said, he holds onto it forever!  No exaggeration! FOREVER!   But in turn, he calls me a name.  Than asks me why I'm pulling an attitude, I snipe, "cause I'm just being an annoying asshole!"  He than ALWAYS responds, "well it's true." NO apologies.  I feel even worse now.     I'm happy, just a bad day.  Real apologies were exchanged, hugged, kissed and made up.  Made dinner, watched a movie, than cuddled in bed later that night.   I enjoy my life here in Corpus Christi.  Seems like things are slowly beginning to work out.  He has been going to work every day.  I just found a job.  We are finally getting settled in our home, getting out and exploring the local life and venues, getting into a somewhat familiar routine.  Life is going good compared to the way it has been the past couple of months.  No more stressing about money (or in about 2 weeks we won't be stressing), life is settled, no more questioning about what's happening, where we going to be and such.  We have our own place, our own space!  And it's great to know that what we have is ours, together.   But I still find myself thinking of my ex......  why?? (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 21st, 2007
12:16 pm	So this is a marriage I've gotten married.  Knew the guy for like 2 months.  Moving away from my family, friends, and all our loved ones, to join the Coast Guard, and try to start our life together.  I'm scared.  We're stressed.  I'm excited, nervous, happy, anxious, sad, overjoyed.   Than after 2 weeks of marriage, and a month and a half of being unemployed, he tells me that he's not made for the married life, and that he'd rather be single again.    He tells me this as they are giving me a morphine shot, to dull the pain from the ovarian cysts that they just found, that are leaving me crippled in a hospital bed, doubled over in pain.   More shock.  What am I to do.  He says he loves me.  But he'd rather be single.  And he won't stop talking about getting an annulment.  It's been 2 weeks.  And the two things I can't stop thinking of..... 1) I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, I love him.  2) I failed again, Maybe I'm not meant for love.  what did I do wrong? So cut to the next afternoon.  I try to go about life, paying bills and such on borrowed money, pretending that what happened last night was a dream.  I was after all a little out of it from the morphine.  "So I need to call the dr.s, call my dad, pay both mine and your car bills and insurance.  What else is there to do today?" "To go to the court house." "What?" "The annulment...." I'm in shock. It did happen. I go to our room.  Lay down.  Maybe if I go to sleep, I'll wake up and we'll be ok.  I roll over to find out he fallowed me.  "What's wrong?" "What do you think??!  My husband is leaving me!  2 weeks!  What did I do?" "Nothing, I just like having my freedom." "Have I ever stopped you from doing what you want?  Have I ever asked you to change?  Have I ever told you no to something you really wanted to do?" "No." "Than what do you mean you have no freedom?  I let you do what you want." "I know.  I just don't want to have to take care of you.  Your irresponsible.  You don't have a job.  And you have a lot of debt." "WHAT!?!?  Are  you kidding me?  YOu don't have a job.  And I lost my by no fault of my own.  They pushed me out when we were on our honeymoon.  And Yes I have debt, but I'm going to get a job and pay for it.  It's mostly just school." .....  no response from him.   I'm assuming it's cause I'm right, or that i've at least made a point.  "I'm assuming you'll want me out of here?" "Well Yeah." He walked upstairs, and I started to move my stuff to my car.  Hoping that I could get most of my stuff to my parents before the pain starts.   About an hour passes.  I'm sitting on the bed crying again. He comes down.   " I have my clothes left, and the TV.  I'm going to try and get the computer into my car, but I'll come back for the tv.  I'll go through all the DVDs and CD's, and I'll bring your stuff over when I come get the TV." "I didn't mean you had to leave right now/" "What was I to do?  SIt here with your family, and smile, while the whole time I know that your wanting to divorce me?  Lay next to you every night and wonder about if tonight is my last night with you or what?  What did you expect me to do?" "Stay." "Your kidding.  Your only saying that cause you feel guilty." "No. stay. " "How do I know you aren't going to do this again?  It seems like when things get stressful, you want to run. I can't do this again." "just give me an answer.  I hate waiting.  Yes or no?" Well from here, I've decided to stay.  Keep going.  I do love him.  And I know it's him getting stressed out.  But I'm just hoping that he'll find another way to deal with his stress.  Cause that is a huge emotional stress.  I can only take so much.   I love him.  Forever and Always.  I don't want to lose him.   Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
10:12 am	Drive Thru Love I'm writing this, not because of my current situation. I'm writing this because of the plain observations that I have made recently. Is it possible that we, as a society, are just falling in love too fast? Is it even feasible? Somehow, and for some reason, we feel the impending doom. Something that says, "Fall in love now, and quick, or you'll never have it!" Why do we feel the need to fall so fast. If we don't love the person within 2 weeks, does that mean that we should end it? That if we don't feel that spark of infatuation with our significant other within the first couple of days, that the relationship is somehow doomed? I know how this is. I've done it. I've been there. Met a guy, really liked him, hung out, felt that connection, and I thought I was in love. Or was it just a soul connection? Something that told me that I've known this guy. That we could have a deep connection, that maybe I could fall in love with him. Hindsight, did I? No. Now, I believe that there is more than one soul partner for everyone. That there are more chances for true love than one. Do I believe in love at first sight? No. And when my dear dear friend, after only a week of hanging out with her new beau, when she tells me that they're madly in love, do I believe her? Yes, because she is my friend. Do I believe it is real, true love that will last through anything? No.  Just the want and desire of wanting to be in love? Possibly. Is it just that good feeling that someone has eyes for you and only you, that they really care about you. Most definitely. But when they break up a week later..... You can't rush love, and you can't fall into TURE LOVE in a week. Now I can say that I haven't been exempt from this drive thru type of love. Order the type of relationship you want, pull up to the window, pay with your heart, get what you want, but with any other dollar menu item, it'll be gone before you realize it, and you'll still feel hungry, wanting more. And some of us continue this vicious cycle. We keep driving through, hoping that one of theses days, we'll be satisfied. But we aren't going to find it there. I know some of us have been lucky enough to find real true ever-lasting love. And some of us have also been unlucky enough to have lost that. But as I see my friends rush through a relationship, wanting so desperately (consciously, or subconsciously) to have someone love them, or to have an old flame love them still, I can say I know how this feels. How much it hurts. The wanting. Trying to figure out what you can do to make them love you back, or to love you again. What you've done to lost what was once so good, and what you can do to make it right. I understand. And I'm right there with you. As much as I don't want to be. I'm still in the drive thru, waiting for my next order. To throw myself so carelessly into someone, for the satisfaction of knowing that they "love" me. But to everyone else in line, I say pull out! Wait, be patient. True love will come! So what's the point in continuing to put so much of ourselves into something that is just temporary love? Why not hold out for the one that will love us with true love? Why rush it? Is there really a need? To those out there, I say wait. Or not wait, but slow down. Love will happen, but make sure it's for the right reasons. Trust me, you true love is out there. And if you've been lucky enough to find that, than congratulations. Help spread it. If you've been unlucky enough to lose it, if it's really meant to be, it will happen. Just have faith. And if you haven't experienced it yet, don't rush it. Don't settle. There is someone out there to love you with every fiber of there being, and that isn't going to leave, making you want more. True love. It is out there. Here's to me pulling out of line. I'm done. I want something real again. So that when he says that he'll go through Hell and back for me, I know he will. I want to know that the look in his eyes, as he watches me, isn't just because he knows he'll have me in bed later that night, but that he'll have me by his side forever. I've messed up one too many times. And I'm trying hard to make things right. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
9:59 am	This isn't about the sex last night Here's the dilemma, guys, and I mean GUYS.  There seems to be some sort of irritating reoccurrance that I've seen and that my friends have also mentioned/complained about several times too.  Men/boys/guys (whatever you want to call them) just don't want to have sex anymore.  I know you all say your a horny little bastard that would take it from anyone/anything, and we know.  We've seen some of the tramps, sluts and whores that you sleep with.  We know the type of sex that comes from that (not all of us by first hand experience =P  ), bland, boring, typical.... what more can I say.... just bleh sex.  What's going on with you going off, bragging to your friends about how many positions you can do it in, or how hard you can hit that.  When once you get in the sheets, on the counter top, in the shower, all I get is those 5 minutes or "well that was it?"  Live up to what you say.  We want the hott, dirty, passion. If some part of you isn't dying when they look at me and you aren't in me, it's just not worth it.  Part of getting me turned on, is the you wanting me part.  I want to be able to walk in a room and have your hands all over me, like you'd do me right there in the middle of the party.  I want something, even just the look in your eyes, to tell me that I actually turn you on, that you want me so badly, you need me now. I want the type that has me sweating and groaning.  Making me want you all over again, and we haven't even finished.  The kind that feels like we want to go at this for hours on end, but that makes me so exhausted my knees shake.  Where I'm throwing back the sheets and gasping for air as we pull apart our sweat covered bodies.      I want sex, I want it rough and I want it when I want it.  When I tell you to tie me up and blindfold me, and you say OK, I expect rope burns on my fucking wrists, and I expect them to last at least a couple days.  It's the men these days. Like they don't care for sex or something.  The the orgasm, my orgasm.  Where's that?  It's something to be sought after, a goal, something to be desired and obtained, a challenge, something to use as creative outlet.  One of the greatest feats of all sexdom the female orgasm. Where is the guy to give this to all us girls??  Come on! Shape up. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 28th, 2007
2:46 pm	Something to satisfy me I don't like curling my hair.  Too girly.  I'd rather wear pants and a t-shirt.  I love hoodies.  Especially men's hoodies.  I don't like make-up.  I don't care bout getting dresses up and all prissy.  I'd rather wear my hair straight, no make-up, in pajama bottoms (men's), and a tank top.   I'm not a girly girl.  I don't get my nails done, hardly go tanning, not too self conscious bout my body.  Don't care.  I could care less what others think of me, and esp care less what other girls think of me.  I don't paint my nails, wear barely ne makeup, wear plain colored tee's, levi's, and a hoodie.  I'm simple.  I'm not complicated.  I don't like a fuss.  But underneath all my not caring, ..... I wear frilly underwear.  That's my girly weak spot. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Friday, February 2nd, 2007
10:54 am	I want a secret life I've been attempting to get back in contact with him. There was just something about him.  There still is.  I don't know.  Maybe it's still the memory of us in high school.  Friends.  That's all we were.  That's all we could muster to be.  We were both too scared to say something to the other.  Stupid is what we were.   I don't regret anything about high school.  Except that.  I would go back just to change that.  Just that.   That moment we met, or the moment I remember.  He was telling me and some other girl about his book he was writing.  Liz... I think.  And some of the first thoughts I had been of jealousy.    I don't remember much of him for the rest of that year.  But I do remember junior year.  I was so excited to see that I had a class with him.  First day I was all twitter-pated.  I wasn't even supposed to be allowed in that class, but some how I did.  I don't even know why I got all excited.  I had like one convo with him.  But somehow, that one convo, and that one class, started a great friendship.  There was just something.  I still can't explain it.  I don't know why I'm still like this.  I long for his companionship.  To talk to him like we used to.  To smile, laugh and joke around with out a care.  You were there for me.  Maybe it was a little too soon for you to be there, but you were none-the-less.  I wasn't ready.  How could I be?  I'm sorry.  I guess I used you.  I need some emotional comfort, some security.  And that's what you were.   Someone who would hold me, tell me it will be ok.  That this is all we need right now.  I need that.  And I found it.   We, and I mean both of us, pushed it.   I wasn't ready, but I didn't want to lose you again.  You disappeared on me so many times before.  How could I risk you running again.  If this was a way I could keep you, without you distancing yourself, than ok.  I hurt you is what I did.  I didn't hold onto shit.  I just pushed you away and cursed the day you came back into my life.  I was hurt already, how could I deal with another heartache.  How?  I was going through a divorce!  Losing someone, losing a future, losing my home and my life.  I couldn’t build something from the ashes when the house was still burning down. But I needed you.   I need you now.  I want to call. I want to see you. I want to come to your house, watch late night movies, and end up falling asleep in your arms. But I can’t. And I can’t and shouldn’t be thinking like that either. It seems like I look for you...when I need someone to turn to, someone to give me a hug, I still look for my best friend.  I don't know when, but I do think of you.  I wish it all could have been different.  I wish I could just start all over.  I wish we were what we were in High School.  I want to go back to that.  I will admit, I never really knew you, and now, I probably never will.  But I did care for you.  I did.  And maybe some part of me still does.  I still think of what life could be like, what you're doing, how you're doing.  I still wonder sometimes.  And every now and than, I try talking to you, to still keep that connection partially open.   But I'm guessing you want nothing to do with me.  Which is understandable.   I used you.  I hurt you. I'm sorry,  Thank you for being what I needed.  I'm sorry I hope we can both find happiness in our lives.     Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)